January... The Journey To An Increase of Faith. Week 1: Faith in Myself.

(Day 1... This week is only 5 Days) For those of you that don't know, I met this boy that lives in Canada and he quickly became my best friend. He just got off of his mission, and I am so blessed to have the little goober in my life! Well last night him and I was talking to him about how I just lack motivation and ambition to do anything right now. I've had a hard time making decisions on which paths to take in my life, where to be, who to be with, what to be... it's all very pressuring at 19 because you're expected to figure it out sooner rather than later! When I asked him for help, being the cute missionary he is he gave me a scripture to read. In the Book of Mormon Ether 3:2. It is a scripture of faith which recently in a blessing, Heavenly Father told me to have so that I may get through hard and trying times. "...Now behold, O Lord, and do not be angry with thy servant because of his weakness before thee; for we know that thou art holy and dwellest in the heavens, and that we are unworthy before thee; because of the fall our natures have become evil continually; nevertheless, O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires. Behold, O Lord, thou hast smitten us because of our iniquity, and hast driven us forth, and for these many years we have been in the wilderness: nevertheless, thou has been merciful unto us. O Lord, look upon me in pity, and turn away thine anger... And I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man..." (Ether 3:2-4) This scripture touches me because The Brother of Jared realizes that he and his people are not perfect and they are humbled in the Lord, but they also know that if they ask with a sincere heart, the Lord will be there to bless them. The Brother of Jared had faith unlike any other man in the Book of Mormon, and because of his great faith he was able to literally see the finger of the Lord touch ordinary stones and turn them into lanterns to guide them out of the darkness. Just like the Lord touches those stones, he will touch our hearts and make a light shine out from us, to lead us out of the darkness. However... Sometimes I don't see this in myself. I don't see what the Lord or anyone else sees in me. And do to that I lose faith in the Lord, and in myself. When talking to Devan he advised me to ask Heavenly Father who I am and if He loves me. Which I think my head knows, but not my heart... I need to feel his love and why... So the focus for this week is Faith in Myself, and My Relationship With Heavenly Father.

(Day 2)  As I was studying today I was reading in Doctrine and Covenants Section 5, and it is talking about how Joseph Smith let Martin Harris show the plates to his wife, which the Lord had told him twice not to do then finally said O.K., and lost the plates of Lehi. The Lord is speaking to Joseph about how he needs to repent and the Lord says these words about Martin Harris..."...He does not humble himself sufficiently before me; but if he will bow down before me, and humble himself in mighty prayer and faith, in the sincerity of his heart, then will I grant unto him a view of the things which he desires to see." (v.24) and "And now except he humble himself and acknowledge unto me the things that he has done which are wrong, and covenant with me that he will keep my commandments, and exercise faith in me, behold, I say unto him, he shall have no such views, for I will grant unto him no views of the things of which I have spoken." (v. 28) After reading this I thought "Wow... There are a lot of things I desire of the Lord to show me, maybe I need to try this." Then all of a sudden a thought popped into my head! I know that past sins I have committed are wrong, but I'm so scared of disappointing Heavenly Father again if I make a covenant with him to stop, and then fail. That is where I lack the courage to have faith in myself, I know that God can do anything according to his will, but what about my will? It is my agency after all, am I going to use it to keep the commandments the Lord has given me? What if I give into temptation again? That's where all of us must make a decision. Are we going to let possible failure scare us out of trying? I think in this case i'm so incredibly scared to fail, because I don't want to have to start over, but as I write I feel inspired that if I stay close to the gospel, and keep doing what I'm doing, I'll be able to withstand temptation easier and be able to keep the covenants I make with the Lord. We must keep in mind that the Lord will always love us, yes we will make mistakes, but we shouldn't let that scare us from striving to do better. If you fail, get back up and try again. We must have faith in ourselves to get back up and try again. After all, how many times did Thomas Edison fail at making the light bulb work? I wonder how many times he thought to himself, "I can't do this. I'm just going to fail again. I'm scared to try and then just see that I did one little thing wrong and have to start all over." Well... that's what life is all about! We can't go into life thinking that we're going to fail, but can start all over... or else we'll fail every time and get  tired of it. We have to go into it having faith that we wont fail, but if by some chance we do one tiny thing wrong, we get back up, retrace our steps and move on. That my friends, is confidence. I'm not sure if I have the faith in myself to actually try this yet... maybe at the end of the week when I go in to see my bishop, but I will do everything to get myself there, because I do believe in myself, but faith is about acting, I need to get myself to where I will act and make that covenant with the Lord. Who knows, maybe it will be later on today... good thing is we're learning and understanding how to make progress right? I'm so thankful for this gospel, I know it is true, I just need to know that I can fully live it, and that I do have faith in, that I can be great in this gospel! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 3) Well today has certainly been an interesting morning!! A good morning none the less! I have already realized so much! I first want to start out saying that God has granted me a greater realization of the power of prayer. As you know I have been trying to have more faith in myself. Back a few years ago I used to help people all of the time! They would just come up and talk to me and tell me about their lives everyday! Lately I guess I have been feeling like I wasn't needed or doing any good for anyone. So when I asked the Lord to help me have faith in myself, what does he do? He brings all my close friends and family and even some strangers in to remind me just how much I really do help people! Yesterday my phone was going non-stop with people calling and talking to me, and I went to see so many people! Now I'm not saying this to boast whatsoever! I'm saying this because I know that the Lord has blessed me in feeling needed! I know that he does answer prayers... which before I guess I was too scared to get answers, but now I am grateful and realizing that he truly knows best! So today I was studying in D&C 6 of the scriptures... The Lord is talking to Oliver Cowdery about the plates that are soon to be translated into the Book of Mormon by Oliver and Joseph Smith! It also talks a lot about faith. I truly felt most of this section was very easy to relate to. Verse 5 for instance, "If you will ask of me, you shall receive." I now have a greater testimony that this is true! "...blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.... thou has been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;.... there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart." Verses 14-16 This section helped me a lot because it helped me realize that God seriously and truly does know who I am and if I ask him to have faith in Him and myself, he will truly help me see that! Because he knows me! And finally "...be faithful and keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen." verse 37. This reassures me that if I keep striving to do what's right and remain faithful in God, he will lift me up in the last days! A lot of this helped me and encouraged me to have faith in myself! Because I am seeking to do better, and seeking to keep the commandments, and helping others along the way! I was talking to my friend Spencer today about Faith. He's just about to go on a mission so I asked him what he thought about Faith. He said a lot of things about it, but one of the things that touched my heart the most was "What you might not realize that you know that faith is one of the most courageous and self confident traits around. Faith can not exist with doubt, doubt is of the devil and it is one of his most powerful tools." Which is totally true! I'm a pretty confident person! I've always been confident of my body, of my social skills, and of my personality, but I think over the year I lost confidence in my soul. I lost confidence that I could actually do what's right and not be afraid to fail. Satan truly does put doubt in us. I think a lot of us confuse humility with doubt. Humility is realizing that we can't do anything with out the Lord, and if we have faith in him, we can do all things as stated in 2 phillipians 3:14 i believe goes like this "I can do all things through christ, which strenghteneth me." Doubt however is the feeling that we can't do something, period. Doubt is the feeling of not even wanting to bother trying, or trying, but not really thinking we're going to succeed hoping to surprise ourselves. We need to go into life having the feeling that as long as we reach out to the Lord and ask of Him, we can truly do anything! After all Peter did walk on water by reaching out his hands to the Lord. So today I go looking in new inspiration that I don't have to be afraid to fail! As long as I'm striving to do what's right. I shouldn't be afraid to fail... and if by some chance I do. I get back up and keep moving forward! :) Aww.. I seriously love this gospel! And I'm thankful for all of the people in my life that help me and want to help me reach my goals as well! I truly feel their love and I hope they know that I love them as well! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 4) Some days I'm going to feel inspired to write a lot, other days I wont. Today is one of those days where I learned a lot, but they are things I must still ponder in my heart and keep to myself. I will say this. Don't try to convince someone that you are a terrible, messy person. We all have issues. We constantly let fear and doubt interfere with our lives because we think someone is better or too good for us! No one is too good for you just because they are different from you. They are trying to be better just as much as you are. I'm grateful for the sweet boy in my life for putting up with my fickleness in myself. :) Sometimes the only people tearing us down is ourselves. This can come in many ways, pride, self-doubt, or just not taking the time to learn more about ourselves. I think the best way to gain faith in yourself is to learn the reality of who you are. Taking some time alone, and trying out many things to figure out what you are and aren't like. Looking to God to help guide you along the way, because I know that he has full confidence in all of us that we can become just like him! Thank you for my friends for putting up with my errors. Friends and Family are probably the most special things God has ever give me. Sometimes I feel my stubbornness takes them for granted, but I truly am grateful for the friends that are just as stubborn and don't give up on me. Maybe that's how you know you guys are best friends. When you're both too stubborn to give up on each other. :) And don't let anyone tell you you aren't allowed to have more than one best friend. People used to point out to me all the time, that I said everyone was my best friend. Well, I've always believed love to be greater than hate. So if we can hate entire schools, cities, countries, or races. Think of what love can do. If you're having trouble thinking of what it can do. Look to the greatest example of all. Our Savior. Gave his life for every single soul ever to be on the earth. God's love has the power to make us like Him. Our love has the power to make people feel that. And with the love I feel from my friends, I feel that most often! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 5) So today was very interesting... Nothing particular happened although I did learn something in the Book of Enos... That as parents we should teach by the spirit. When we teach by the spirit the things we teach will dwell in the hearts of our children. The Holy Ghost leaves the biggest and longest impression out of anything. Which is why faith can be attained easily. because we have words confirmed everyday by the Holy Ghost. But welp! It's the end of the week!! And Wow!! I have learned so much!!! I honestly feel a lot better and believe in myself to do anything!!! I already feel really improved... but I know I have a long journey ahead of me... there is always room for improvement! But Now I am ready to sleep! Which I am so thankful that we have the ability to sleep and dream! Goodnight!