SEPTEMBER!....?.... LATE?

Hello blog followers! ... If there are any?

So I'm sorry it's taken me just a short while to update my blog. Boy! Has so much happened to me! I'm starting to learn the wonderful deal of privacy! I'm usually not a private person and would naturally, as you can see, before spill my guts, and heart, and my dog out onto your computer screen! I'm a little different now! I'm still pretty open, but I've come to terms of leaving the past in the past! That's what we all need to do with the mistakes we've recompensed for any isn't it? So earlier in this blog I talked about my path to forgiveness and repentance and finding God in my life again. Well I'm please to tell you that I'm a completely new woman! Last January I was so lost and distraught and a whole other non-sense I don't remember, but that's the great thing! I don't remember that girl anymore! Let me update you by the months.

So I last blogged in April telling you... who knows what. I was SO weird! Well anyway late April is where I received probably the most splendid answer to my prayers! He goes by the name of Jake McRae! Let me tell ya I was stubborn with this one!... I mean... come on guys he's blonde! I'm usually not into the blonde, soccer playing, pre-missionary type, but this one looped me and I was a sucker... right away? Heck no! I was so skeptical of love when I met him! With him and his spiritual self though, Jake was able to break through some shells I didn't even realize I had up! I could go on and tell you the ways he's changed my life, but it would take much longer than the time I have! So we started dating until early June... that's when he left on his mission to NORTH CAROLINA!! ... Yes I am waiting for him, but I'm also being realistic in the fact that it might not happen, and I'm perfectly OK with that! Jake's brought something into my life that no other man could, and that my friends... Is pure joy, love, and charity!

So June 8th is when the cute guy decided to leave my life and go devote His to the Lord! YES! He's a keeper! It was hard! Did I cry a lot? YES! (and trust me I did NOT think I would be that emotionally distraught over him) Do I still cry a lot?... It's getting better. :) But it was a big time to recognize myself and see just how much this man meant to me!

July something pretty amazing happened! I had a complete change of heart! I decided to go on a mission! Now I know what ya'll are thinkin. "You just wanna go cause Jake's out." First off. He may have been an inspiration, but so has my best friend Brooke! She's known since she was in primary that she was gonna serve the Lord! Talk about amazing dedication! No no... Back in January (in the awful days) I came across two sister missionaries that talked with me for a while. After I left them I got the strongest feeling "That's going to be you someday" and I was just like "Well that's nice that you think so spirit, but I don't want to go! I want to get married and be a mom! Or at least focus on my education or something like that" Well then it went away i guess... or I pushed it aside. Then after Jake left it came back like "Hey! You should do this too!" ,but of course I didn't want my reasoning to be because of Jake! That's dumb! I mean I would still be out 9 months after Jake even gets home!

But then something struck me and it still does to this day... Yes. I do have agency and that is a wonderful gift! Though who knows me better? Myself! or the Lord? Well I think I've proven that I don't know what's best for me! But I do! I know that following the Lord is best for me! So I should want to do his will! So... there ya go! If it still so happens that the Lord wants me to go on a mission I'm going to put my papers in! I'm SO STINKIN EXCITED! I know what it's like to have the yearning for something and not completely grasp what I need to make my life full of joy and clarity! I would love to help others realize that they can become a completely new self as well! It would be such an honor! Big month huh!

And now I am living in good old Provo, Ut once again! I love it down here! It's so trying, but always in a different way! I am growing spiritually this year and hopefully I will grow better temporally down here as well! ... One can only hope that I finally catch on to this crazy school, working girl world? Budgeting is hard for me! I have a part time job and have to pay for everything so it's kind of a challenge... That's where I wish I had Jake! He's so frugal! But I just need to keep better track! Hey maybe that will be my goal for this next month!

So I think you guys are pretty much updated... not too much else! I was landscaping over the summer which was a blast! I miss it kinda! haha But yes! Hopefully I will be better about blogging this October! General Conference is in a week! Also coming soon is a brand new blog from me for the girls of Utah County! It's about men and what they are really thinking! I'm excited!  Love you! Peace and blessings ya'll! Peace and blessings!

April... Confidence in Humility and Seeking to Act in Service.

I know it's been a while since I've written, but I have a story for ya'll...
Once upon a time there was a girl who had to take the bus to work every week. One day she met this really nice guy on that bus. He flirted with her and was handsome, and she thought he was really somethin'! Then they hung out once. The guy was taken aback, he really liked this girl and wanted to date her! Yet the girl for some reason was not feeling the same way... She didn't know why, I mean, he was a perfectly nice guy! Really sweet and willing to work for her! When he mentioned the possibility of someday getting in a relationship she quickly retracted and kept saying how she didn't even know him, and how she didn't want to rush things. Now that boy and girl hardly ever talk. The girl doesn't regret it. She knows it was right... but the story isn't over yet!

About a month or so later the girl meets this new guy, but the guy is off limits. She's automatically interested in the guy because she cannot have him. She figures she'll get over it, but when the guy becomes on limits... she's still somehow interested. She becomes nervous every time she thinks about him, stutters when she says his name, and her heart is always hurting wondering how he feels about her. The girl knows that they hardly know each other... yet for some reason she doesn't care... she just wants to get to know that guy more and more... The girl... has suddenly become that boy on the bus... and the new boy... is going to retract... because she is becoming less and less of a challenge.

I guess my question is... Why do we do the things that we don't like others doing? Why do our hearts get us caught up in the impossible, but when the possible comes along we shut it down?!

This girl is also very pessimistic about this new guy... she knows his type. She knows that to gain his favor she's going to have to play hard to get. She can't give the guy the time of day when all she wants is to spend all her time with him getting to know him! Yet the girl doesn't want to have to do this!! A part of her would love to play it out to make him happy and love to see where it goes, but the other part just really wants to freak him out so she can move on with her life! She knows that if she pulls a "Ted" from "How I Met Your Mother". She wont get her heart broken, and she can move on with her life with out worrying about this guy anymore... So what does she do? Freak the guy out? Or let things pan out how they should? She's not a patient girl... I'm not so sure how long before her heart bursts with anticipation for the future.

Insert Message Here

So... I will admit I've been slacking lately... like way bad! And although this post isn't like the others... I think it kinda fits! I was talking to my second mother today and honestly... Wow! How thankful I am to have her in my life! She made me realize that she gave me the ultimate charity! She helped raise me! Although I do love my biological mother a lot, my second mom was there in other ways my 1st mom couldn't be! And today felt like she was truly the only one that understands me! My 2nd mommy has been a homemaker since she's been married and had her first daughter (which is also one of my best friends) and she LOVES it! It's simply what she's always wanted to do! and I must admit... I'm the exact same way! I want to be a homemaker, and honestly... I can't believe that more woman wouldn't want that! Homemakers get to do everything!! My biggest problem with finding a different career is that I simply love to dip my toes into EVERYTHING! I want to be an event planner, a photographer, and accountant, a chef, a leader, a scientist, a teacher, but I don't want to make them all my LIFE! I want to make other people my life... And what better way of doing that than someday meeting an amazing guy and having wonderful, yet horrible all at the same time children together! Now I understand that I need to go to school and be prepared... but that's not what this post is about... This is more about how I'm so incredibly sick and tired of people telling me to stop worrying about the guy I'm going to marry, and how tired I am of people telling me that once I get married... my life changes, and kids? Well if I have those too early my life ends!?! As far as I'm concerned my life will be beginning!! I'm not saying it would be rainbows and butterflies, but honestly... so what?! My life hasn't been that way single I wouldn't expect it to be that way... EVER! My 2nd mom is the only one that gets me because she's seen my life from a very close, personal, adult perspective since I was 10, and she knows how much I care about people, and she knows how much being sealed to someone means to me! She knows how important a family raised in the church means to me! I was given a lot of opportunities in life, but I believe I can give my children even more that I didn't have! Even my children's friends! I want to be someone else's second mom as well! For all of you that keep telling me it's going to be hard and my life will never be the same, well GREAT!!! Cause if any of you mothers come up to me and tell me how hard and frustrating it is and how tired you are all the time, but it's not worth it... than I don't think you deserve to be mothers. Of course it's worth it! And I'm not saying it will happen tomorrow... I'm not going to go off and marry the first guy I meet because he has the best genetics, or will support me. I'm going to be careful! So next time you think I'm obsessed... Maybe look and see it's because I am very well aware of the fact that it will change my life forever! And I'm looking for the "perfect for me guy" to be with me forever... And maybe it's because you guys don't really realize the things I saw and went through, not only in my family, but in my friends families... So take care of yourselves before you worry about my future... I'm excited to be a homemaker someday.. And I'm sorry you're not.

The Bridge From January to February

Well goodness!!! January surely was an adventure! I was able to focus most of my energy on faith... Yesterday and throughout the month I was a little confused because I knew that's what I was supposed to focus on, but I hadn't really had any huge trials of faith... only small ones... but thinking about it more... I think my trials of faith are only beginning... Hopefully things go well and that I will look back on the past and remember to have faith through it all... I do believe I have a better sense of faith, but you never know until you put it to the test... I know I can get through anything though. I just need to focus on the prize and that my friends is eternal life.

I've been thinking a lot about what I can do the month of February and in what aspect I can become better... I think since February is all about love and what not. My focus for this month is going to be charity! Charity is a very important thing to build in our lives because it emphasizes the importance of love and diminishes pride. Which it is said that Pride is kinda the basis of all sin... it's what convinces us to sin and keeps us from repenting... Charity is a very hard thing to build because the natural man is so quick tempered, and selfish. I don't even think it will take only a month! So hopefully I can at least scratch the surface and become a little more giving! I also realized something... Just because I have my temple recommend and can go anytime I want... doesn't mean I don't have to work hard anymore...  it just means I have to work harder. My journey isn't over just because I reached a goal! I now have to stay worthy and only grow up from it! We always need to work to stay worthy for the temple. I think sometimes people take for granted that the Lord allows imperfect people into his house... He invites us there to become more perfect and to help those who did not get the chance on this life to become more perfect as well! I believe that building charity will be a very big help to that! I love service! I love helping people! But I do think charity is a little bit more than that... and over the month hopefully we will grasp an idea of it!

So this month is February.... The Journey To An Increase Of Charity!

January... The Journey To An Increase of Faith. Week 4: Faith in Forgiveness

(Day 1) So... As you see my picture set up for this blog is a picture of the temple. I truly think they are the most beautiful things on earth. That, my friends is mostly what the journey of this month is all about. I chose this week to focus on forgiveness because although I feel I am ready to go there agency wise... I need to forgive a lot of things. I need to completely forgive the people that hurt me, and I mostly need to forgive myself and learn to let go. The biggest fear I have of changing... is the chance that I might change back. What if I make the same mistake. What if I do it when I'm older and affect even more people... I'm actually kinda lost right now... So this week is just about becoming more sure of well... Everything.

(Day 3) So this really wish man Gordon B. Hinckley pointed out that yes, there is a lot of pain, anger, and offense in the world. How sad it is... We must all come to a point in life and realize that we cannot let other's agency affect our own... I realize that there are things that people could do that would be extremely hard to get over... but we must prayerfully find the time and counsel with the Lord trying forgive someone. Sometimes it's big things... and other times it's the little things that randomly offend us! Being a girl this could happen more often than we would like. I haven't quite worked out how to make this easier yet... i guess just staying close to the gospel... but I'll let ya know when I've discovered more. I'm actually really excited because in institute our teacher gave us a challenge to make some resolutions to help us be happy. I'll update you guys on that later... It should be interesting! I love institute... today we learned about setting goals and managing time... it was very insightful!! hopefully it will make me better!! welp! unitl next time!! ps... I'm so greatful for the Lord!! He is truly amazing to sacrifice so much for us!!

(Day 7) So this week truly was amazing!!! Also this month has been a major improvement!!! Day 5 of this week I went to the bishop and got my temple recommend!! So I've been going every day since of course! haha It's such a relief to be free of my past mistakes and able to move on and well... probably make more! but not as hurtful as before. Anyway!! Now I will never dwell on the past again! I gained a big respect for forgiveness and the atonement of our Savior! I know that it's OK to forgive myself! I know that I can only grow now! Forgiveness is so so important! One of our beloved prophets Gordon B. Hinckley stressed that immensely! We cannot always get so easily offended... which I admit I still struggle with everyday! But I promise as you have faith, God will work with you to overcome offense and be forgiving. I'm so thankful for this gospel! I'll recap on my month in the next post!

January... The Journey To An Increase of Faith. Week 3: Faith In Others

(Day 1) So I notice that a lot of the time when certain people let us down, it's hard to gain faith in our peers. We tend to think that everyone else in the world is just like that one person that let us down. I've certainly had my ups and downs with trusting people. Trust has never really been a big issue to me until recently... but I mostly want to focus this week on why it's important to put our faith in people, how we can get others to have faith in us, and for us to realize that we're all going through this journey together. We shall see how it goes! Today was a great day! I went to two farewells where two young men will go out in the world to serve the Lord! They're going to have to have a lot of faith in their companions, and people are going to have to have faith in them to spread the word of this gospel! I'll be sure to share with you what I learn! and How this week will make me a better person!

(Day 4) So it has been an interesting week so far! I went to institute today and yesterday and would I surely have learned a ton! I've also gained a few insights about having faith in others. One. Is hypocrisy. How are we supposed to attain faith in others when we don't prove to others that they can have faith in us? Or better yet.. sometimes we feel like we are the only trust worthy and helpful people out there. The important thing to realize is that one individual person, does not sum up the rest of the planet. Just because one to a few people let you down doesn't mean the whole world is like that... focus on the people that haven't let you down! And if you truly feel that every one has let you down... stop being so pessimistic and maybe analyze who you're surrounding yourself with! When it comes to someone hurting your feelings or letting you down... I once heard that the best  thing to do is go perform an act of service for that person. Just because that person has injured their integrity doesn't mean you have to! Now I'm not saying if someone is bullying you in school to just go and give them you're money or something like that... that's a little different. But say a sibling is just completely annoying you and getting on your nerves... go do something nice for them! Remember to always be honest with a person... there are ways to be honest in respectful, kind manners, with out blowing up or saying something blunt! So... yes'm! I think that will be it for today.

(Day 6) Wow! I can truly testify of two things today! Institute, and Love. When the prophet said to make institute a priority... He wasn't kidding! It really is the best experience ever! At first I was a little nervous, especially worried that people would kinda think I was a brown noser or something for bringing my scriptures, a binder, and all this studying stuff, but then I realized... Why would I worry about someone thinking I was weird for wanting to truly study the gospel? It really has helped me grow! and It's only been a week!! The other thing I want to testify of is Love. Not only love of a boy to girl, but from parent to child, child to parent, sibling to sibling, friend to friend, God to His children, the Savior to every single soul, and even to loving ourselves! Love is real ladies and gentlemen! It saddens me when people say they don't believe in Love! Look around them!! There are caring people everywhere!! You just need to open your eyes... I think people expect too much out of Love. They expect it to be this big deal where you go to extremes to show it. Love is a huge thing shown in little actions. I see the Love my father has for me just when we are laughing together. I see the Love my friends feel for me just be listening to me rant on, or when we go an do silly things! I see the Love God has for me just be looking around at what I have. I nice apartment, a great family, great friends, a car, a job (hopefully a second job), a dog, AMERICA!!, I see the purpose I have and the purpose He sees as well when every day He blesses me with air in my lungs. He has also given me the greatest gift of being able to find love no matter the previous heart ache. Right now and hopefully the rest of forever he has given me the gift of meeting an extraordinary man through extraordinary circumstances and he is now my very best friend! God has shown me to have faith in Love again! To have faith in change, and happiness! I am so thankful for all that I am blessed with and the ability to learn! Thanksgiving shouldn't come just once a year. It needs to come everyday with a sincere heart. Believe in Love people!! Because you are loved! As Josh Groban once said... Don't give up, because you are loved! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

January... The Journey To An Increase of Faith. Week 2: Faith In God.

(Day 1) So I'm very excited to start a new week! I don't think I'm going to blog EVERY single day, but I will when I feel inspired! Today was absolutely wonderful!! I just took a big step into turning my life around!! And also I think the whole having faith in myself deal was put to the test today... and guess what! I didn't give in! I feel sooo good!! Also I'm thankful that Heavenly Father gave me a way to get out of a potential mess with another person. I feel so much power within myself! But there are a lot of things I'm still confused about. So hopefully they'll get cleared up a long the way! So this weeks focus is about Faith in God. I already know that through God I have faith in myself to do all things, but I think I want to learn about it a little more... get to know the Godhead a little (hopefully a lot) bit better. Have you ever read the book 21 Days Closer to Christ? It's a very inspiring book! It's about know Jesus Christ personally to realize just what he has done! Try to find ways in our own life that you could relate things to the things that Christ teaches. I also challenge you to find that book and read it! :) I look forward to studying the Godhead and gaining greater faith in them! Wish me luck this week! I do know that if we are closer to them, we will have a greater desire to follow them! :)

(Day 2) So I'm having a lot of issues deciding whether or not I should stay in Provo... I LOVE living in my own place with some of the best roommates! But it's starting to feel like there's nothing here for me ya know? I just don't really know where I'd go... So the cute little Canadian boy I'm liking told me that I need to pray SPECIFICALLY about where I need to be. So I guess the trial of faith for today is... knowing that my prayers will be answered! I'm more concerned of how I'll get the answer and will I see the answer clearly, but then again I need to have faith that God will work everything out... so... Here it goes! I'm excited for the new week!

(Day 5) So I just want to touch up on a few subjects. First. FRIENDS! There's a fine line between being a friend to all, and they saying "Who your friends are says a lot about you." Take me and my ACEY TWIN for example. Her and I are soooo incredibly different when it comes to personal and life decisions, but yet soooooo alike in sense of humor, character, and personality that being friends just some how works for us. Although I am LDS and she's not we still are able to be there for each other no matter what happens. So the lesson of friendship I learn with my twin is that no matter what path you guys take, it's important to always be there through the ups and the downs. Now lets go to my friend... we'll just call her dance buddy. She's been with me since 6th grade. Her and I are always hyper together and can go on forever either singing like idiots in the car, taking stupid pics, making up ridiculous dances, or even holding each other crying!! The lesson she teaches me with friendship is that when you're that close, you start to feel what they feel. When she has a hard time I get sad and visa versa. Building a bond like that is important cause you know that that person will be with you through it all. You get to learn from each other's triumphs and mistakes, the one thing you must learn with this friend is how to communicate, be humble and apologize, and don't lock them out ever... The 3rd friend I want to talk about is well.... we'll just call her Mah. Now Mah has been with me since 4th grade and the lesson she teaches me with friendship is that true friends will stick by you no matter how stubborn you get,  and no matter how much you guys disagree. As long as you two laugh together and are genuinely interest in what's going on in each others life, you two can get through anything. If any of you out there are stubborn like me we have to at some point realize that ya, sometimes our friends really do know us better than we think, and it's up to us to humble and at least listen to what they have to say. Jesus Christ is a true friend also. He will always be honest and upfront like my dancer buddy, empathize and sacrifice like my twin, and like Mah, the second we call in distress, or just needing to talk, He will be there in an instant. We can go to Him for anything! Sometimes we need to humble ourselves and listen to what he has to say because believe it or not, he even knows us better then ourselves all of the time. The best thing about Christ is that he's a friend to all, he will always be there to help you, but Christ also hurts when we don't act in a manner that would embarrass him. He's the ultimate example! Maybe if we all tried to be like him a little more we would be better to our friends on earth. I'm thankful for my friends and all that they have done for me. I hope I can do just as much for them.

(Day 7) Welp! This has been a pretty good week! Although I didn't write a ton I look back and realized I learned some valuable lessons! This week has been a sort of challenge for me. A challenge mainly because I had to leave my habitat of staying inside my dad's house all the time and go back to Provo to an apt. full of roommates that have lives, and a schedule, and a lot of temptations that could show up again. Some hold habits I had before started to show up again... but I think I did a fairly good job of going against them... What didn't help was that I was sick so I was basically in a bad mood a lot. Roommates had quarrels, people from my past tried to show up in my life again, but at least I went and signed up for institute which I think will help me a lot! I did gain a valuable experience about faith in God though. It's that you can always count on God to be there for you! He answers your prayers, knows you, and you will see that through faith, you realize a lot of the blessings he has given you! I was talking to one of my roommates well, due to a big feud going on one said that she doesn't want our sympathy or anything such... It saddens me actually to think that she doesn't expect us to care about her... and well... to be honest I feel that if she fights us enough... eventually we wont want to be there for her... Unlike us God will always be there... the spirit may flee if we are being unrighteous, but the second we call for him in true, faithful repentance, he will come to the rescue. I am thankful for the love of God and for his atoning sacrifice! I'm thankful that we can take even the smallest things on this earth and related them somehow to the Gospel. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

January... The Journey To An Increase of Faith. Week 1: Faith in Myself.

(Day 1... This week is only 5 Days) For those of you that don't know, I met this boy that lives in Canada and he quickly became my best friend. He just got off of his mission, and I am so blessed to have the little goober in my life! Well last night him and I was talking to him about how I just lack motivation and ambition to do anything right now. I've had a hard time making decisions on which paths to take in my life, where to be, who to be with, what to be... it's all very pressuring at 19 because you're expected to figure it out sooner rather than later! When I asked him for help, being the cute missionary he is he gave me a scripture to read. In the Book of Mormon Ether 3:2. It is a scripture of faith which recently in a blessing, Heavenly Father told me to have so that I may get through hard and trying times. "...Now behold, O Lord, and do not be angry with thy servant because of his weakness before thee; for we know that thou art holy and dwellest in the heavens, and that we are unworthy before thee; because of the fall our natures have become evil continually; nevertheless, O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires. Behold, O Lord, thou hast smitten us because of our iniquity, and hast driven us forth, and for these many years we have been in the wilderness: nevertheless, thou has been merciful unto us. O Lord, look upon me in pity, and turn away thine anger... And I know, O Lord, that thou hast all power and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man..." (Ether 3:2-4) This scripture touches me because The Brother of Jared realizes that he and his people are not perfect and they are humbled in the Lord, but they also know that if they ask with a sincere heart, the Lord will be there to bless them. The Brother of Jared had faith unlike any other man in the Book of Mormon, and because of his great faith he was able to literally see the finger of the Lord touch ordinary stones and turn them into lanterns to guide them out of the darkness. Just like the Lord touches those stones, he will touch our hearts and make a light shine out from us, to lead us out of the darkness. However... Sometimes I don't see this in myself. I don't see what the Lord or anyone else sees in me. And do to that I lose faith in the Lord, and in myself. When talking to Devan he advised me to ask Heavenly Father who I am and if He loves me. Which I think my head knows, but not my heart... I need to feel his love and why... So the focus for this week is Faith in Myself, and My Relationship With Heavenly Father.

(Day 2)  As I was studying today I was reading in Doctrine and Covenants Section 5, and it is talking about how Joseph Smith let Martin Harris show the plates to his wife, which the Lord had told him twice not to do then finally said O.K., and lost the plates of Lehi. The Lord is speaking to Joseph about how he needs to repent and the Lord says these words about Martin Harris..."...He does not humble himself sufficiently before me; but if he will bow down before me, and humble himself in mighty prayer and faith, in the sincerity of his heart, then will I grant unto him a view of the things which he desires to see." (v.24) and "And now except he humble himself and acknowledge unto me the things that he has done which are wrong, and covenant with me that he will keep my commandments, and exercise faith in me, behold, I say unto him, he shall have no such views, for I will grant unto him no views of the things of which I have spoken." (v. 28) After reading this I thought "Wow... There are a lot of things I desire of the Lord to show me, maybe I need to try this." Then all of a sudden a thought popped into my head! I know that past sins I have committed are wrong, but I'm so scared of disappointing Heavenly Father again if I make a covenant with him to stop, and then fail. That is where I lack the courage to have faith in myself, I know that God can do anything according to his will, but what about my will? It is my agency after all, am I going to use it to keep the commandments the Lord has given me? What if I give into temptation again? That's where all of us must make a decision. Are we going to let possible failure scare us out of trying? I think in this case i'm so incredibly scared to fail, because I don't want to have to start over, but as I write I feel inspired that if I stay close to the gospel, and keep doing what I'm doing, I'll be able to withstand temptation easier and be able to keep the covenants I make with the Lord. We must keep in mind that the Lord will always love us, yes we will make mistakes, but we shouldn't let that scare us from striving to do better. If you fail, get back up and try again. We must have faith in ourselves to get back up and try again. After all, how many times did Thomas Edison fail at making the light bulb work? I wonder how many times he thought to himself, "I can't do this. I'm just going to fail again. I'm scared to try and then just see that I did one little thing wrong and have to start all over." Well... that's what life is all about! We can't go into life thinking that we're going to fail, but can start all over... or else we'll fail every time and get  tired of it. We have to go into it having faith that we wont fail, but if by some chance we do one tiny thing wrong, we get back up, retrace our steps and move on. That my friends, is confidence. I'm not sure if I have the faith in myself to actually try this yet... maybe at the end of the week when I go in to see my bishop, but I will do everything to get myself there, because I do believe in myself, but faith is about acting, I need to get myself to where I will act and make that covenant with the Lord. Who knows, maybe it will be later on today... good thing is we're learning and understanding how to make progress right? I'm so thankful for this gospel, I know it is true, I just need to know that I can fully live it, and that I do have faith in, that I can be great in this gospel! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 3) Well today has certainly been an interesting morning!! A good morning none the less! I have already realized so much! I first want to start out saying that God has granted me a greater realization of the power of prayer. As you know I have been trying to have more faith in myself. Back a few years ago I used to help people all of the time! They would just come up and talk to me and tell me about their lives everyday! Lately I guess I have been feeling like I wasn't needed or doing any good for anyone. So when I asked the Lord to help me have faith in myself, what does he do? He brings all my close friends and family and even some strangers in to remind me just how much I really do help people! Yesterday my phone was going non-stop with people calling and talking to me, and I went to see so many people! Now I'm not saying this to boast whatsoever! I'm saying this because I know that the Lord has blessed me in feeling needed! I know that he does answer prayers... which before I guess I was too scared to get answers, but now I am grateful and realizing that he truly knows best! So today I was studying in D&C 6 of the scriptures... The Lord is talking to Oliver Cowdery about the plates that are soon to be translated into the Book of Mormon by Oliver and Joseph Smith! It also talks a lot about faith. I truly felt most of this section was very easy to relate to. Verse 5 for instance, "If you will ask of me, you shall receive." I now have a greater testimony that this is true! "...blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my spirit. If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.... thou has been enlightened by the Spirit of truth;.... there is none else save God that knowest thy thoughts and the intents of thy heart." Verses 14-16 This section helped me a lot because it helped me realize that God seriously and truly does know who I am and if I ask him to have faith in Him and myself, he will truly help me see that! Because he knows me! And finally "...be faithful and keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen." verse 37. This reassures me that if I keep striving to do what's right and remain faithful in God, he will lift me up in the last days! A lot of this helped me and encouraged me to have faith in myself! Because I am seeking to do better, and seeking to keep the commandments, and helping others along the way! I was talking to my friend Spencer today about Faith. He's just about to go on a mission so I asked him what he thought about Faith. He said a lot of things about it, but one of the things that touched my heart the most was "What you might not realize that you know that faith is one of the most courageous and self confident traits around. Faith can not exist with doubt, doubt is of the devil and it is one of his most powerful tools." Which is totally true! I'm a pretty confident person! I've always been confident of my body, of my social skills, and of my personality, but I think over the year I lost confidence in my soul. I lost confidence that I could actually do what's right and not be afraid to fail. Satan truly does put doubt in us. I think a lot of us confuse humility with doubt. Humility is realizing that we can't do anything with out the Lord, and if we have faith in him, we can do all things as stated in 2 phillipians 3:14 i believe goes like this "I can do all things through christ, which strenghteneth me." Doubt however is the feeling that we can't do something, period. Doubt is the feeling of not even wanting to bother trying, or trying, but not really thinking we're going to succeed hoping to surprise ourselves. We need to go into life having the feeling that as long as we reach out to the Lord and ask of Him, we can truly do anything! After all Peter did walk on water by reaching out his hands to the Lord. So today I go looking in new inspiration that I don't have to be afraid to fail! As long as I'm striving to do what's right. I shouldn't be afraid to fail... and if by some chance I do. I get back up and keep moving forward! :) Aww.. I seriously love this gospel! And I'm thankful for all of the people in my life that help me and want to help me reach my goals as well! I truly feel their love and I hope they know that I love them as well! I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 4) Some days I'm going to feel inspired to write a lot, other days I wont. Today is one of those days where I learned a lot, but they are things I must still ponder in my heart and keep to myself. I will say this. Don't try to convince someone that you are a terrible, messy person. We all have issues. We constantly let fear and doubt interfere with our lives because we think someone is better or too good for us! No one is too good for you just because they are different from you. They are trying to be better just as much as you are. I'm grateful for the sweet boy in my life for putting up with my fickleness in myself. :) Sometimes the only people tearing us down is ourselves. This can come in many ways, pride, self-doubt, or just not taking the time to learn more about ourselves. I think the best way to gain faith in yourself is to learn the reality of who you are. Taking some time alone, and trying out many things to figure out what you are and aren't like. Looking to God to help guide you along the way, because I know that he has full confidence in all of us that we can become just like him! Thank you for my friends for putting up with my errors. Friends and Family are probably the most special things God has ever give me. Sometimes I feel my stubbornness takes them for granted, but I truly am grateful for the friends that are just as stubborn and don't give up on me. Maybe that's how you know you guys are best friends. When you're both too stubborn to give up on each other. :) And don't let anyone tell you you aren't allowed to have more than one best friend. People used to point out to me all the time, that I said everyone was my best friend. Well, I've always believed love to be greater than hate. So if we can hate entire schools, cities, countries, or races. Think of what love can do. If you're having trouble thinking of what it can do. Look to the greatest example of all. Our Savior. Gave his life for every single soul ever to be on the earth. God's love has the power to make us like Him. Our love has the power to make people feel that. And with the love I feel from my friends, I feel that most often! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

(Day 5) So today was very interesting... Nothing particular happened although I did learn something in the Book of Enos... That as parents we should teach by the spirit. When we teach by the spirit the things we teach will dwell in the hearts of our children. The Holy Ghost leaves the biggest and longest impression out of anything. Which is why faith can be attained easily. because we have words confirmed everyday by the Holy Ghost. But welp! It's the end of the week!! And Wow!! I have learned so much!!! I honestly feel a lot better and believe in myself to do anything!!! I already feel really improved... but I know I have a long journey ahead of me... there is always room for improvement! But Now I am ready to sleep! Which I am so thankful that we have the ability to sleep and dream! Goodnight!

The New Year!

2010 was a very up and down kind of year. I went through a lot of experiences that caused me to lose my way. Although I've never been one to regret things I feel a lot of remorse for what has happened. Yes, a lot of people have hurt me, I have hurt some people, and I have even mentally, physically, and spiritually injured myself, but I look forward to this new year as an excuse to make amends, and to give myself a better life. I have spent the past while contemplating how to achieve this better life. There are so many things I wish for myself and have no clue on how to get them or even where to start. I am LDS and it is a very important part of my life. Sadly in 2010... that's one thing I lost sight of. However, the best thing about being LDS is the gift of repentance! Repentance is not an easy journey, but probably one of the most significant journeys. Repentance is about more than just slapping your self on the wrist and saying you'll never sin again, it's far more than that. Repentance is about learning why the sin we have committed was wrong, and gaining a feeling of spiritual sorrow. Spiritual sorrow is an interesting concept. Many people don't fully understand spiritual sorrow. Yes we are supposed to feel bad because we injured ourselves and we see for ourselves what went wrong, but it's also about seeing through God's eyes. When we experience spiritual sorrow it's a way to become one again with God. He invites us in to see from His point of view the value of our life and the damage we have done to it. Spiritual sorrow is such a sad, disappointing, humbling time in our lives, but it's also a reassuring time. Christ shows us the extent of damage we've done, but he also lets us know that we can come back and we do have the opportunity to be closer to him again, and that hope isn't lost to return with him in the Celestial Kingdom. It saddens me to think that most people, when going through spiritual sorrow, fail to see the hope. Fail to see the love he has for us and wants nothing more than for us to want to be with Him, and prove to Him our love for Him. So this year, this period of time in my journey I am going to focus on proving my love to Heavenly Father and His son. I'm going to learn how to truly live again, and I'm going to come out better than I have ever been before. Now since I'm only 19 this doesn't mean that my life will be a breeze here on out, but hopefully the goals I set this year will be a foundation for up coming events I have in my life. Events such as marriage, starting a family, future callings in the church, and whatever else God has in store for me! Now in the LDS church we are each given the opportunity to receive a patriarchal blessing! Which is a very special, personal blessing given from a patriarch that concerns your life. It basically can apply to any moment of your life. It also gives you your lineage, which tells you what tribe of Israel you come from, but we can get into that another time. When I moved out of my mothers house I lost mine... So I had not read it for over a year. Recently I received a blessing from my friends dad and in the blessing it specified to go to my patriarchal blessing for guidance. So I went to the Church History Library and got a copy. I didn't want to wait to read it so I sat in the Lobby and just bawled as I read it to myself! The influence of the Holy Ghost was so incredibly strong that I felt complete spiritual sorrow, but I also felt hope for a brighter future. The only problem with hope is that I had no clue where to start! Sure I knew I could, but I didn't know how. So I went to receive another blessing and it appeared that the main subject was faith. As I talked to my best friend Devan about it, I realized I had lost a lot of faith in my life. So I talked it over with Heavenly Father, and we made a plan that each month I would make a copy of my patriarchal blessing to mark and study, and I would have a specific focus I needed to improve on, and on the back, I would write 10 goals for each week. 5 spiritual goals, 3 temporal goals, and 2 physical goals, and these goals would help me take the steps I need to gain a better self. As you read you may think some of the goals are small and simple, but I think that's the major issue in my life. I always want to take big giant leaps and fall straight down into the canyon. I need to slowly build a bridge, brick by brick, to cross over to a better life. The thing I learned today about the gospel is that it is very simple, and that people tend to make it too complicated and they end up justify the wrong thing to do. In The Book of Mormon, in Jacob 4:14 it talks about how the people of Jerusalem despised the words of plainness. They wanted a big, complex way to explain the ways of the gospel and wanted to head straight for the things that people could not understand. So in a result God took away the simple things and gave them things which they were not ready to understand. In result the got more confused. Now God did do this to be cruel. He did this because that is what the people of Jerusalem kept asking for. So he showed them and now us that baby steps must be taken to achieve greatness. Things that seem complicated to us now will be more plain and simple if we take the steps to understand the more simple things before! So I am going to start with smaller goals, that will grow into bigger yet simple goals as well. I am somewhat scared for the outcome, but I know that if I remain close to my Heavenly Father I will come out stronger, and wiser than I have been in the past year. So lets start with January! :)